On a Universal Truth

There are some fundamental, universal truths in this world.  Kittens are adorable.  Meetings always take at least twice as long as they need to.  Only the good die young.  The list goes on and on.  But the one on my mind today is this:  tan fat looks better than pale fat.

I realize that uttering these words out loud (or typing them into my blog silently) constitutes dermatologic heresy.  We are told – ordered, even! – to slather ourselves with 1,000,000 SPF sunscreen and to wrap ourselves from head to toe in sun-resistant garments, lest we spontaneously combust in a painful, melanoma-riddled flame.  Failing to wear adequate waterproof sunscreen, appropriate shielding garments and floppy hats can, in some circles, subject you to branding with a scarlet “S” (for “sunburn”…. keep up, please). 

Do I reject this guidance?  No.  Do I disagree with the science?  No!  I accept that sunbathing, particularly sunbathing that results in sunburns, is harmful to your health.  http://www.skincancer.org/Sunburn/  I do my best to keep my son appropriately doused in 50 SPF sunscreen, even though (despite my best efforts) he is and always will be a little bronzed god, and I dress him in long swim trunks and a protective swim shirt so conservative in nature as to be evocative of only the trendiest swim clothes from 1877’s summer couture collection.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Punch_-_Masculine_beauty_retouched1.png  I accept that it is my fate, as a woman of German and Polish descent, to be (eventually) relegated to the shadows to live out my life in semi-translucent, permanently-freckled seclusion.  I have a dermatologist who tells me once a year to avoid the sun because it puts me at risk for skin cancer, but who also tells me that, for the most part and thanks to my days frying in pure coconut oil and working down south, the damage is done, really… all we can do is hope for the best.  He tells me that tanning beds are the bane of his existence, and that he hopes eventually we women all get the message that “pale is beautiful.”

But then he tells me that, if I insist on having a tan, I should get it through one of the spray-on or rub-on self-tanners. 

And therein lies the problem.

If pale truly is beautiful, why immediately suggest the alternative?  Because he knows that it isn’t really beautiful, at least not for so many of us, and certainly not as the term “beautiful” is currently defined.  To a doctor, a tan may suggest increased risk for melanoma, but to a woman getting ready for a hot date, a tan represents the ability to wear a strappy black dress without looking like a character from an Anne Rice novel.  http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Vampire-Chronicles-Interview-Lestat/dp/0345385403/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309201820&sr=8-1

Whether we like it or not, being pale is (still) associated with fragility, illness, poor nutrition, and a lack of energy.  There’s a reason the phrase is “deathly pale” and not “deathly tanned.”  Look up “pale” in the dictionary and you will find such inspiring synonyms as “dull,” “faded,” and “washed out.”  When you’re already struggling with a little extra junk in your trunk, do you really need that kind of associational baggage packed into your Spanx?  Hell, when I pressed him on the topic, even my dermatologist acknowledged that tan fat looks better than pale fat.  For some reason, a chunky booty looks less, um… chunky… if it’s got a nice tan to it.  Those dangly arms?  Somewhat less dangly when they’ve been kissed by the sun.  The muffin top you’re toting around above your belt line?  You show me a muffin top that looks better when it’s pasty (nay... uncooked!) and I’ll show you a lovely invisible suspension bridge I’ve got to sell you between New York and London. 

At the end of the day, I don’t know why tan fat looks better than pale fat.  It just does.  Universal truths don’t need to be proven or explained, and sometimes they are just so true that they are incapable of proof.  They are universal truths because they are – regardless of explanation or origin - true. 

If you don’t believe me, just ask the kittens.  http://www.cutelittlekittens.com/