It's a question I've asked myself a thousand - nay, a million, at least - times. It is a question that I ask every time I look in the mirror. I ask myself every time I read a fashion magazine. Sometimes it's paired with "Am I fat?" Sometimes it goes along with "Why didn't these scars fade more?" I can honestly say that it or some form of it has crossed my mind just about every single day since I was about ten years old.
But while I've asked myself this question a million times, it would never have crossed my mind to record myself asking the question out loud and then post it to the internet, inviting people to comment and respond.
Never.
Yet this is what girls all over the country are doing. They are taking to the internet to publicly proclaim their insecurities and ask for a vote (of sorts) on whether they are pretty. http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=am+i+pretty&oq=am+i+pretty&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=1202l2165l0l3212l11l8l0l1l1l1l206l1151l0.5.2l7l0 Some have specific features which they worry make them unattractive - a high hairline, frizzy hair, what have you - and some think they might be pretty but don't have the boyfriend to show for it, so they question their own confidence.
Yes, you read that right. Because they don't have a boyfriend, or because they can identify something flawed about their outward appearance (or sometimes, because they have asshole "friends" goading them on in the background), they think they are not pretty, and are looking to the internet to make them feel better. The INTERNET. The very same internet that brings us breading cats http://www.breadedcats.com/, shit someone else says, and Bronies http://bronies.wikia.com/wiki/Wiki_Home.
Now, by my math (which admittedly sucks), I have spent the better part of my life questioning whether I am pretty... or on days when I've decided I am pretty, whether I am pretty enough. But what I have come to realize is whether I am pretty on a given day - or overall - is dependent on myriad factors, only some of which have to do with how I actually look. Yes, it matters if my hair is doing the right thing, if I've lost or maintained the right weight and body proportion, if I did a decent job on my makeup, and if I've gotten my outfit right. But it ALSO matters if I got enough sleep. Or if I'm in a good mood. Or if I am feeling confident (which, I've discovered, doesn't always come from how I look!). Or if I'm feeling sassy. Or if I'm feeling personable and outgoing. Or if I'm feeling particularly smart that day. Or if I'm just feeling pretty.
NONE of these factors can ever be adequately captured in a 30 second YouTube video made with a webcam or an iPhone, especially when that YouTube video is dripping with inadequacy, insecurities and sadness. What I see in each of these videos is a girl who doubts herself, who wants attention (and who maybe hasn't figured out that mocking isn't exactly good attention) and who has yet to realize that pretty comes just as much from within as it does from without. I don't blame them; although I can claim to know this here on my blog, I don't always believe it, either. But I really wish they understood that nothing anybody out there on the internet says will help them answer the question... especially not the idiots on YouTube.
I feel sad for these girls. Just sad.
And one thing I know for certain: when I'm sad, I'm not pretty.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Bs from the BS
I'm not an avid fan of RuPaul (or even a half-assed fan, for that matter), but I am an avid reader of Jezebel.com. And Jezebel has a regular feature which shares notable tweets. Some are profound - or as profound as one can get in 140 characters - and some are clearly just intended to get something out there to the followers... to keep them engaged and reading.
But a recent tweet from RuPaul on the site caught my eye. It said: Very easy to find participants in a pity party. But can U rock it with the bitches from the bright side? http://jezebel.com/5884200/khloe-kardashian-takes-a-ride-in-the-kotex-mobile/gallery/20
Oh, RuPaul, how right you are... And it was a much-needed and timely reminder that it's easy to grouse, it's easy to let yourself wallow, but it can be much more difficult to chin up and find a way through the darkness.
Turn to the left
Sometimes, a pity party is just what you need. Some major life events demand not just a pity party, but a pity cotillion. Smaller traumas require a more intimate get together. And if you have friends, you will always find people to attend your pity party, regardless of the size or duration. But the reality is that some pity party guests have better "manners" than others.
For example, are you having a pity party to celebrate a recent break up? Beware the pity party animal who will remind you - ad nauseum - that your now-ex-boyfriend was an asshole to begin with, and of course, had you realized that earlier on in your relationship (which was impossible, given your terrible history with men and your patent, constitutional and obviously pathetic inability to see past the fact that all signs indicated he was a decent guy and this came completely out of the blue), this never would have happened! Or maybe if you had just listened to her a year ago when she said that she heard from someone else, who heard from someone else that he was not your type, that he had different interests, and that she said way back then that it wouldn't work, well... you know...
In other words, there are some people who seem to thrive on keeping your pity party going. Willing participants, the pity party animal will bring hats, noisemakers, streamers, and copious quantities of libations to the party. Even when you're ready for it to end and have turned off the music (or put on the best party-ending music ever, New Kids on the Block), they're in the middle of the room dancing by themselves, screaming "Oh my GOD... we should do SHOTS!"
Turn to the right
On the flip side of the pity party animals are what RuPaul has brilliantly named "bitches from the bright side". They may attend the party for a while, but they're also the ones trying to get you to move on to a better party across the street. They won't drag you there, of course - some pity parties have to naturally run their course - but they won't beg you to stay at the pity party, either.
Back to the break up example, the BftBS will be the one with the ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. The BftBS will nod quietly, listen to your tale of woe, ask how she can help, and point out that if he is as big of a jerk as you say he is, perhaps this is a smart decision (no matter who made it), and an opportunity to find a better match. She'll give you hugs. She won't judge. She won't minimize your pain. She'll try to understand what you are going through, and if possible, help you to find a positive path forward.
You'd better work
At the end of the day, you are the host of your pity party, and you control its outcome. Only you can decide whether you want to move on to the party across the street with the BftBS, or hang out with the pity party animal to do mind eraser shots and make bad decisions. It can sometimes be difficult when you're in the throes of a pity party to figure out who is who. You have to pay attention, and for each guest in attendance, ask yourself: Is this person making me feel worse about myself, my situation, or my decision? Or is this person helping me acknowledge what has happened, assimilate the information, interpret its meaning (if there is any) and find a positive path forward? If it's the former, politely suggest that they might be better served hitting the bar down the street. If it's the latter, hold on to those friends, because BftBS are worth their weight in gold.
Of course, once the party has ended and you are firmly back in the fold of the BftBS, there is only one thing to say:
Sashay, Shante!
But a recent tweet from RuPaul on the site caught my eye. It said: Very easy to find participants in a pity party. But can U rock it with the bitches from the bright side? http://jezebel.com/5884200/khloe-kardashian-takes-a-ride-in-the-kotex-mobile/gallery/20
Oh, RuPaul, how right you are... And it was a much-needed and timely reminder that it's easy to grouse, it's easy to let yourself wallow, but it can be much more difficult to chin up and find a way through the darkness.
Turn to the left
Sometimes, a pity party is just what you need. Some major life events demand not just a pity party, but a pity cotillion. Smaller traumas require a more intimate get together. And if you have friends, you will always find people to attend your pity party, regardless of the size or duration. But the reality is that some pity party guests have better "manners" than others.
For example, are you having a pity party to celebrate a recent break up? Beware the pity party animal who will remind you - ad nauseum - that your now-ex-boyfriend was an asshole to begin with, and of course, had you realized that earlier on in your relationship (which was impossible, given your terrible history with men and your patent, constitutional and obviously pathetic inability to see past the fact that all signs indicated he was a decent guy and this came completely out of the blue), this never would have happened! Or maybe if you had just listened to her a year ago when she said that she heard from someone else, who heard from someone else that he was not your type, that he had different interests, and that she said way back then that it wouldn't work, well... you know...
In other words, there are some people who seem to thrive on keeping your pity party going. Willing participants, the pity party animal will bring hats, noisemakers, streamers, and copious quantities of libations to the party. Even when you're ready for it to end and have turned off the music (or put on the best party-ending music ever, New Kids on the Block), they're in the middle of the room dancing by themselves, screaming "Oh my GOD... we should do SHOTS!"
Turn to the right
On the flip side of the pity party animals are what RuPaul has brilliantly named "bitches from the bright side". They may attend the party for a while, but they're also the ones trying to get you to move on to a better party across the street. They won't drag you there, of course - some pity parties have to naturally run their course - but they won't beg you to stay at the pity party, either.
Back to the break up example, the BftBS will be the one with the ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. The BftBS will nod quietly, listen to your tale of woe, ask how she can help, and point out that if he is as big of a jerk as you say he is, perhaps this is a smart decision (no matter who made it), and an opportunity to find a better match. She'll give you hugs. She won't judge. She won't minimize your pain. She'll try to understand what you are going through, and if possible, help you to find a positive path forward.
You'd better work
At the end of the day, you are the host of your pity party, and you control its outcome. Only you can decide whether you want to move on to the party across the street with the BftBS, or hang out with the pity party animal to do mind eraser shots and make bad decisions. It can sometimes be difficult when you're in the throes of a pity party to figure out who is who. You have to pay attention, and for each guest in attendance, ask yourself: Is this person making me feel worse about myself, my situation, or my decision? Or is this person helping me acknowledge what has happened, assimilate the information, interpret its meaning (if there is any) and find a positive path forward? If it's the former, politely suggest that they might be better served hitting the bar down the street. If it's the latter, hold on to those friends, because BftBS are worth their weight in gold.
Of course, once the party has ended and you are firmly back in the fold of the BftBS, there is only one thing to say:
Sashay, Shante!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)