I'll Be There

Kind.  Generous.  Talented.  Smart.  Beautiful.  Funny.  Joyous.

She was all these things.

Except for when she wasn't.  As it turns out, she was also sad.  And profoundly so.

Or so I assume, because last week, she ended her own life.

And yet, despite this perhaps little-known fact, there on her Facebook page were so many posts from so many friends and family expressing their extraordinary grief that she was gone, expressing that the world would miss her light, her laughter, her contributions, her presence.

Expressing shock that she died so young.

Expressing that they will miss her smile.

Expressing that she had brought so much to their lives, and they will miss having her there on a daily basis.

Expressing that heaven had received a beautiful angel before her time was truly up on earth.

But interspersed among them were comments encouraging support for those who suffer from depression and mental illness.  Comments about relief, and finally achieving peace.  Was it possible?  Had she really succumbed to the darkness that, whether we want to admit or not, has whispered to virtually everyone at some point or another?  I reached out to another old friend who confirmed my suspicions.  And suddenly, all of those posts took on a new meaning.

Kind.  Generous.  Talented.  Smart.  Beautiful.  Funny.  Joyous.  And so very, very sad.

Looking back at her posts and pictures, could I see the sadness?  Did she reach out for help?  Was there someone she could have called, someone who could have prevented it from happening?  Or was it a fait accompli?  She was, after all, a headstrong and determined woman.

I and so many others who knew her may never know the answer to this question, and no matter how desperate we are to apportion it, there is no place to lay the blame.  Not on her closest friends.  Not on her dearest family.  Nowhere.  Only she could have known, but it is possible that even she couldn't find the words to express what it would have taken to pull her from the precipice, and she may not have wanted anyone to intervene.  There are some who, when the darkness begins to close around them, feel a sense of relief when they finally make the decision to end their lives.  It is possible that she felt a sense of relief - a sense of the weight of the world she had been bearing finally being lifted off of her shoulders, or a sense of peace when she passed into the darkness of death.

It is possible.

It is also possible that she, like her pictures and posts and impressions of so many friends, was truly joyous and that this was a moment of impenetrable, disastrous vulnerability.

In either case, the result is the same.  She is gone.  And we are left to remember her for the kind, generous, talented, smart, beautiful, funny and joyous person she was in her lighter hours.  But in order to honour her life fully, we must also remember her as a complicated, wonderful human being who is perfect in her imperfection, profound in her despair. In the words of Jon McLaughlin, she was a beautiful disaster.  And I for one was glad to have known her.

So it is with a heavy but hopeful heart that I say to all of my friends, all over the world: If you ever feel the darkness closing in, if you ever feel a tugging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, it would be easier or more wise or better to just. let. go, call me.  Call me at any hour, on any day.  Pick up the phone, or send me an email, or fire off a smoke signal, but call me - or find someone, ANYONE to draw to your side.  If I can be there in person, I will be there - holding your hand, pushing the bottle away from your mouth, doing whatever it takes and whatever I can possibly do - to help you find your way back from the ledge.  And I will move heaven and earth to help you find help.  But you have to want it, and I need you to call me, because we cannot always readily see the pain and anxiety in each other's eyes, the scars in each other's souls, the burdens we each bear.  But I WILL BE THERE if you call me - even if you think you don't want me there.  Even if you really DON'T want me there.

Because whether you know it or not, whether you feel it or not, whether you want to believe it or not, you are loved, you are appreciated, and you are valued by at least one person in this world.

I'll be there.  JUST CALL ME.