So I'm here watching Stand Up 2 Cancer, bawling my eyes out, and I think to myself "hey, self, you need to write." No idea what I need to write, but here I am, typing away as though I know where it's going.
The vignettes with the kids are especially hard to watch. Have you ever known a child who has been diagnosed with cancer? I can't say that I have, although I feel certain that I was around them when my mom was teaching. I definitely knew children who died too young: the first one I remember is Mikey, who was a student at my mom's school. He died on the school bus. I think he was maybe 5? I was around the same age, and remember wondering, "what the f-?" I mean, I didn't wonder that exactly, but I'm sure it was not all that far off. I mean, little kids aren't supposed to die. My nieces' friend shouldn't have died from leukemia. Kids shouldn't have to say things like "I'm not afraid of passing away." I knew all of these things even then when Mikey died, and I know it even better now. Lord, how I know that now that I have a son of my own. And just the thought of Nate being diagnosed with something potentially fatal... holy crap. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
These kids in the video vignettes are so brave. So freaking brave. Like, beyond belief. And their parents! Don't even get me started on their parents. Grace. Calm. Serenity. Peace. I can only assume that they've already (I assume in private) gone through their drunk-off-their-ass-shouting-obscenities-from-the-mountaintop-hating-the-world phase. Good to know you can come out of it. I still can't imagine it. [More barf. Seriously. How do these people do it? They clearly are medicated or go to therapy A LOT.]
Alice, my mother in law, died from cancer last year. Not sure if you all knew that. She was having trouble swallowing. It wasn't anything big at first, and you know, she was one of those super-polite Canadians who doesn't ever want to inconvenience anyone, so who knows how long it bugged her before she went to a doctor about it. But if I remember correctly, she said it felt like there was something stuck in her throat. Well, as it just so happens, there was. A damn cancer was in her esophagus. Damn. Cancer. Can I say it enough? Damn you, cancer. Damn you, damn you, damn you. Damn you straight to hell. You suck. Big time. HUGE. There Alice was, just minding her own business, busy being one of the most wonderful people I've ever met in my life (and let me be clear, I have been fortunate enough to meet some amazing people in my life), and boom... cancer. To repeat what I thought when I was a kid and Mikey died: what the f-?
So maybe that's where this post is going: to a big what the f-? Maybe it's headed to a big no really, someone out there in the world please explain to me how this happens. A series of questions, like: How in the world does a child get cancer? Why do children have to be so damn brave? Why do parents have to watch their children fight and fight and fight and then still die? Why do wonderful people get diagnosed with horrible, virtually uncatchable, untreatable cancers? Why do people have to make the decision whether to keep on treating, or whether to simply walk away to die on their own terms? Can someone out there - someone with faith, someone who believes in God, someone who understands science, someone who understands it - please explain it to me? And on a side note, why did Komen have to go and screw with Planned Parenthood, so that I and so many other women end up feeling so conflicted about supporting them? Maybe that one isn't so much part of the bigger questions. But it's there... at least for me.
While I wait for some answers, I will simply do what I can whenever I can to help. You have a 5k? I'll run in it. My time will suck, but I will be there, and I will wear your t-shirt with pride. You have a telethon on television? I'll watch, and I'll donate. You shakin' a can at the grocery store? I'll find some money in my purse for you. Because kids shouldn't have to be brave this way. Grandmothers shouldn't have to draw the curtains closed on their lives this way. Parents shouldn't have to cry this way. And I don't want to throw up in my mouth any more.
1 comment:
Sent to me by a friend after trying (to no avail) to get it to post:
Having been through the cancer experience myself, I've had the "What the Fnck?" moment, but not so much for me, but for the children who are afflicted with such an insidious disease. I could dismiss my diagnosis as maybe I had it coming, that is, maybe I wasn't being the best person I'm capable of being, and it was a warning sign for me to get my shit together. But when I see new parents, carrying an infant who needs a liver transplant into the Mayo Clinic, I realized I have no clue why bad things happen, even to babies. I thought wisdom comes with age, instead it has shown me how little I know. WTF? I'm a firm believer in karma, but what did an infant do to deserve cancer, or any other affliction? The answer is: nothing.
There was something that stuck with me during a sermon heard at one of my infrequent church visits. That is "Evil exists in the world". What if there's something to this God vs. Satan thing? Instead of asking "why would God let this happen?" Maybe God is also doing battle with evil, not unlike those battling cancer? Faith in God alone may not be enough to win a battle against cancer, but it may give someone the strength to fight.
Helping someone who's fighting a horrible disease, whether it's running a 5K benefit, cutting their grass, or just sending some positive thoughts their way, is exactly the right thing to do. By doing so, it says "FU, evil fucking cancer!"
I have no idea if there's any theological support for my theory, but it works for me. I can't rationalize our Creator also being a destroyer.
:D
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