The current media frenzy surrounding Charlie Sheen’s (apparent) mental meltdown has me wondering: Where can I get some Charlie Sheen, and would my face, in fact, melt off or would my body actually explode? Am I winning? Perhaps more importantly, am I bi-winning? Would anyone out there agree that my life is bitchin’? If I got busted in Vegas with a suitcase full of blow and a couple of porn stars, would I retreat to the shadows, or go balls to the wall on national television defending my lifestyle and my goddesses to the death? (My draft answers: I don’t know, but if I could find it, probably yes; yes; I’m working on it; depends who you ask; probably some combination of retreat and defense, but always with flair!)
More pressing to my mind, though, is trying to figure out how, exactly, one goes about getting the job of being one of Charlie Sheen’s goddesses. I mean, on its face, it looks like a pretty good gig. You get to look hot and wear awesome clothes – or better yet, you get to look hot and you walk around naked all the time because, you know, you LOOK HOT, and in the L.A. heat in the summer, naked is always better! You get to eat really good food, probably prepared by a well-trained chef (though you probably don’t get to eat much of it, as you do need to LOOK HOT, which requires staying slim). You party like a rock star and only drink top shelf liquor. You probably don’t have to pay attention to politics, or other potentially soul- and whimsy-draining topics; rather, you can focus on more fun subjects like what Justin Bieber’s hair is doing and where you should go shopping today. You get to have what I can only guess is some pretty interesting and engaging sex with a man most women – at least until last week – would have given their right ovary to sleep with. You get to live in a nice house in California and travel to exotic places, where you do all of the above, only on a beach or by/in a pool. Hell… where do I sign up?
Also, what does the career path for goddess look like? Is it a vocational program, or is it completely entrepreneurial? Is there some sort of goddess internship or apprenticeship system out there, whereby an aspiring young girl - one who has already proven her knowledge of skin care, waxing, pilates and the appropriate use of stilettos and body glitter - can work her way up the celebrity pole? Maybe she would start by shadowing a goddess for a few days, after which she would spend a month or two with a C-list celebrity (using some gateway drugs and drinking wine coolers), then a month or two with a B-list celebrity (dabbling in something harder, and working her way up to beer), then move up to a low-A list celebrity or an on-his-way-down-from-A-to-B-lister (again, progressing to harder drugs and now drinking mixed drinks) before finally graduating to the highest paid actor on television, a suitcase full of coke, shots of 151 and full goddess-dom? Either way, it would seem that I missed the call for the Models and Bottles Training Program at my high school and university’s career counseling fairs… which is kind of a bummer because I really like the beach! Of course, it is possible that or, by virtue of my small B-cups, not-exactly-camera-ready-looks and annoying tendency to put together full sentences that occasionally reference “heavy” current events, I was deemed inherently unqualified for the program, so was weeded out before it was ever an option. Either way, it sucks. I think I would have made a good goddess.
Another potential career path I was never alerted to when I was younger was the “girl sitting in a bathtub at the entrance to a nightclub” option. When I was in Vegas recently, I noticed on the way out of Tao that there was a woman sitting in a tub of water. Naked. With flower petals quasi-covering her boobs and her bits. Her whole job was to sit in a bathtub, smile at people as they walk by, and look hot… all in a tub of water. Don't believe me? Go to http://www.taolasvegas.com/tao.html and see for yourself. The only downside I can see to this job is that, after sitting in a tub of water for a full shift, she’s probably pretty wrinkly. But if there are nice bath oils or other lotions and potions in the water, maybe there’s a back-end upside of softer, more supple skin. I would like softer, more supple skin! Where do I apply for this job? Don’t get me wrong. I am not so delusional as to believe that I am in any way qualified for this position. Really, my only qualification is that I like to take a nice bath now and again. (Other jobs in this same category that I was not aware of would include go-go dancer and VIP room hostess - also jobs for which I would stand no chance, for a variety of reasons.) I’m actually confident that even if I had applied for such a job, I would not have gotten it if I would have had to compete with the likes of the tub girl at Tao. But, even though I am clearly unqualified, it still would have been a lovely compliment to have been handed the brochure on this career option along with all of the college catalogues. After all, there are some days when it certainly seems like a more palatable and fun choice than being on conference calls for half the day and wasting away under the fluorescent lights of my office.
Sigh. At the end of the day, I just need to accept the cold, harsh fact that I am never going to be a naked-tub-sitting-goddess, or even a fully-clothed-tub-sitting-demi-goddess. I suppose it’s for the best, really. But still… it would have been nice to be asked.
(Note to Charlie Sheen, if he is reading: If you have an open goddess position – especially a temporary one, as I do have A LOT of conference calls on my calendar and I book up pretty far in advance in that respect – call me ASAP! I’m no porn star, but I’d like to think I’m pretty bitchin’ and/or bi-winning, and, for what it’s worth, I too have the soul of a 70 year old but the fingernails of a 7 year old... the perfect match for your 7 year old boogers, perhaps?)
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