Years ago, a friend asked me what I thought the soundtrack to my life would be. Not what I would want it to be, mind you, but what I actually thought the musical score would sound like if my life were a movie and set to music. At the time, I answered "Ride of the Valkyries," that snappy little ditty by Richard Wagner - mostly because life was just one big charge forward, and at the time, I was full of piss and vinegar and drama and what have you. In hindsight, I think that is perhaps too calm and sublime of a selection to fully cover the narrative arc of my world. It certainly can't cover my whole life, if only because if it did, I would have collapsed years ago from a serious headache and exhaustion.
Now and again, this question will spring to mind - often without warning - and it almost always gives me pause. What songs are playing on my soundtrack these days? Are they the same as the music that scored my life in my teens? My 20s? Would it be all one style of music? Probably not. (Actually, I hope not. Egads... grunge? Say it isn't so!) Like any good, full-narrative-arc movie's score, I have to imagine that the selection of music over my lifetime would be diverse, reflective of any given point in the story, and engaging... all without becoming the story itself or overtaking the drama. When you watch an outstanding movie - a truly wicked film that sticks in your mind forever, whether you like it or not- the music is woven into your psyche along with the story and the characters and becomes part of your story as well. Years later, you might hear a song from the movie and be transported back into the scene behind which it played, or - even better - you may be transported back both to the scene of the movie as well as a scene or two from your own life... your own experiences that were perhaps shaped by the movie and its music, even if only subconsciously.
So this question has once again surfaced, and as always, I feel compelled to find an answer. (I am, after all, one of those Type A people who can't leave a question hanging!) If my life was a movie (hopefully not a cheesy made-for-TV movie, but perhaps a low-budget Indie flick featuring an up and coming, talented and intelligent yet suspiciously and hauntingly beautiful actress), what would be playing in the background right now? The last year and a half have been a challenge for me, personally and professionally. I've had a lot of self-doubt. I've had some defeats. I've had more WTF moments than I care to count. But come hell or high water, I will come out of it. I'm reawakening and (finally!) working to regain the confidence that I'd lost. I'm figuring out what isn't working, and trying to change it. Do I know what the future holds? Hell no. But I know what I don't want it to be, and I'm turning the wheel to steer away from that outcome. It isn't easy, but I have to try, right?
Most of the time, I think I would prefer something with a bit of passion. Something fun. Something you can dance to. Something you want to scream at the top of your lungs, then, when it's over, turn back on at a higher volume and scream to even louder. Something that will make you cheer for your heroine (me). Something that will make me cheer for myself! Here are my options for these scenes:
What the Hell (Avril Lavigne)
Born this Way (Lady Gaga)
But during the quieter moments - for those scenes in which I am sitting quietly on the sofa with a (very big) glass of wine, head leaned back, blanket on my lap, trying to sort it all out... fighting against the doubts and defeats and other disastrous d-words that have been dragging me down - I like these:
Fuckin' Perfect (Pink)
Beautiful Disaster (Jon McLaughlin)
Beautiful disaster, indeed.
Of course, if none of those work, there's always Ride of the Valkyries.
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