I Am Not the Bronx Zoo Cobra

A venomous cobra recently escaped from its enclosure at the Bronx Zoo.  Initially, the zookeepers informed the media that the cobra was still inside the snake house.  However, it appears more likely that the snake (who is, you know, a snake, and as a snake can slither into and under things with remarkable skill) has left the building and is out on the town, or at least out on the zoo, and apparently has access to an iPhone and Twitter.

That's right... since his escape, the Bronx Zoo Cobra has gotten his own Twitter handle.  I'm not really a big Twitter-er (Tweeter?  Twit?) but I have an account (it's for work, I swear!) and follow a few people (namely, my future second husband, Charlie Sheen, and a couple of bands).  I am now also a devoted follower of @BronzZoosCobra, and have to say... for a snake, he's got some serious Twit-Cred.

At this moment, the BZC has 202,224 followers.  For those of you who don't know what the hell this means, let me explain:

Imagine you are a person who wants to say something.  It might be meaningful, or it might be meaningless, but you want to say it anyway.  You grab a soapbox (or a wooden crate... I don't think they ship soap in wooden boxes anymore, so a new soap box probably wouldn't hold you) and a bullhorn from your garage and head down to city hall.

Now imagine that you place your wooden crate on the steps of city hall, stand up on top of it, and make your statement through the bullhorn.  The people who stop to listen to what you have to say - whether they like it or not - are your "followers."  If one person stops to listen to you speak, you have one follower.  If you have 202,224 people stop to listen to what you say, you have 202,224 followers.  Imagine that wherever you go with your wooden crate and bullhorn, those people are there to listen to what you have to say.  Along the way, you may lose a few, but you may also gain a few.  This, my technology-challenged friends, is Twitter.  The Twitter platform is like your wooden crate and bullhorn; the 140 characters you type in each tweet is what you have to say.  Your followers are the people who follow you around to listen, and who, by virtue of the Twitter platform, are empowered to reply back and engage you in conversation.

Cool, huh?  Definitely... if you're a person.  But think about it.  The Bronx Zoo's Cobra - a snake, or rather, someone pretending to be a snake - has 202,224 people listening to what it says (sssssayssssss?), including the zookeeper, who would be better of spending his time trying to figure out where the actual damn snake is!  And many of these people are writing back.  TO A FAKE SNAKE.  Don't believe me?  Here's one of my favorite BZC tweets and some of the responses:

@BronxZoosCobraBronx Zoo's Cobra

Getting my morning coffee at the Mudtruck. Don't even talk to me until I've had my morning coffee. Seriously, don't. I'm venomous.

@LadyOMyGodLady

@BronxZoosCobra Dude, if decide not to return to the zoo you should write for Conan. Have a great snakey day.

@kellidunhamkelli dunham

@BronxZoosCobra Come to Brooklyn! Prospect Park is full of delicious little mice, everything's cheaper. Take the A/C/E to the SSSSSS.

These people replied - to the snake - with suggestions for other places to visit in NYC, and for jobs.  If that isn't Twit-Cred, I don't know what is.  In fact, the BZC is so popular there is also a Facebook page dedicated to getting it a job hosting Saturday Night Live.  BZC = not an actual snake, but a person occasionally pretending to be a snake.  SNL = real show on national television, occasionally pretending to be funny.

I have to say it... I am more than a bit jealous.  I am a real, live person.  I occasionally say clever things, although very few of them are snake-related (this post notwithstanding), and clearly snake-posts are all the rage these days.  I have a Twitter account; admittedly, I haven't tweeted anything yet, but still.  I have zero followers.  None.  NONE!  The snake has me beaten by 202,224 people.  (Never mind that I am one of his followers... there's no shame in following a snake, right?  RIGHT?!)

So, much like I will eventually have to accept the fact that I am never going to be Charlie Sheen's next goddess, and that my prospects for a career in naked tub sitting are limited, I will need to accept the fact that the Bronx Zoo's Cobra has more Twit-Cred than I have.

I am not the Bronx Zoo Cobra, and that'ssssss okay.