If I Was a Rich Girl

If I was a rich girl (na na na na, etc.)

See, I’d have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl.

No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end,

‘Cause I’d have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl.

~ Gwen Stefani (If I Was a Rich Girl)

I heard this song on the radio today, and despite the fact that I’ve never been a big Gwen Stefani fan (her abs kind of freak me out, and her hair definitely freaks me out), I found myself singing along.  And then, of course, I wondered what a Harajuku girl is, and whether I would want one.  Or four.  And would I name them like Gwen does (Love, Angel, Music, Baby)?  Would I feel compelled to clean out Vivienne Westwood while wearing a Galliano gown?  I am guessing not, especially since John Galliano was recently kicked to the curb for bizarre, anti-Semitic behavior, and I don’t think that Vivienne has a shop here in the ‘Nati (my trans-Atlantic jet is, well, nonexistent right now).  Nevertheless, I would like to think that no man could test me or impress me.  Hell, that’s largely the case now, and I don’t have all of the money in the world.  Hmm.  Clearly, I am ahead of my time and my bank account.

But if I was a rich girl (na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na), what would I buy?  Where would I go?  What would I do if I stumbled upon a large pile of cash and I had the ability to live however I wanted, wherever I wanted, without fear that I would run out of money, no matter what?  Would I live like a Kardashian?  Let’s dare to dream, shall we…

The first priority would be to fully fund Nate’s education account with enough money for him to go to the most expensive private university in the world for four years for undergrad, and then if he wanted, to attend the same school for medical school (or an equivalent period of time for another advanced degree).  I’d also send him to a well-regarded private school so that he stands the best chance possible of getting into a good university!  I know… I would be able to pay for this all out of pocket when the time came.  But it’s so much smarter to invest the money now.  Time value of money and all that stuff.  If he doesn’t go to university, then I would roll it over into a trust fund for him.  Or go to the spa – every day, all day, for the rest of my life.  Either way.

With Nate’s education taken care of, I can turn to living arrangements.  I would pay off our current house, then start the renovations.  I don’t think I would necessarily move… at least not right away.  But even if we did move, we would have to sell the house, and fixing it up would make that way easier!  I’d renovate the kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room, replace the tile throughout the house, replace the windows, put a new roof on, and get new siding.  I’d also landscape – since I suck at keeping plants alive and don’t like to garden (ewwww… dirt and bugs?!), I would develop a planter garden, where colorful pots of beautiful and ever-changing flowers (they would have to change, because they would die every few days under my watch) are nestled into rocks and stones sourced from Mexico, the Bahamas, Cayman, Ontario, Ohio and Guatemala.  I would also tear out our current deck and replace it with a bigger one made from Trex.  How practical!

To make Byron happy, I would buy him a condo in Toronto.  He has a special nostalgia for the Empire Plaza on University Avenue, so I’d get him something in that building.  If it needed any updates, I would get those done, too.  I’m just nice like that.

Since I hate the weather in the Midwest, I would buy a house – something small, with three or four bedrooms so people we like can visit (people we do not like would discover that we are so incredibly busy, we can’t possibly rearrange our schedules to accommodate youthis time, but perhaps next time you’re in the neighborhood…) – in San Carlos, Mexico on the Sea of Cortez.  It would have an infinity pool looking out over the sea, and out the front door and windows, it would have a clear view of the desert and mountains.

So that I can enjoy our home in Mexico, I would find a job where I could work part time – about 30-40% of the normal work week, or even less than that.  (This might require us to move to a warmer climate, because surely, no company in the Midwest or north would allow such a crazy work arrangement.  Only people who live near beaches would ever consider such a thing.  Right? RIGHT?!)  I would take lots of time off for vacations – starting with the days that Nate is on break from school, any holidays that strike my fancy (Hug Your Cat Day, anyone?), and then I’d take some more days off for no reason whatsoever.  I would periodically call my friends who work in law firms with billable hour requirements or who have projects imminently due to management and chat endlessly about nothing at all, just for sport.  “So, did you see what Lindsay Lohan wore to her last court date?”  “This Angry Birds game is really frustrating.  I just can’t get past level 19!”    “I love Enrique Iglesias.  Don’t you?”  Ahhh… nirvana!

Having the vast majority of the normal person’s work day open would allow me plenty of time to work out, so I would probably lose some more weight, which might help me fit into some of Victoria Beckham’s designs, which I totally love but cannot wear because I have long since gone through puberty and developed these weird and annoying things called “hips.”  (Still waiting on the boobs.)  http://www.victoriabeckham.com/dresses/asymmetric-curve-neck-shift-717.html  I would not buy my jeans at Nordstrom Rack; I would buy them in full price stores!  I would learn how to wear completely impractical and insanely expensive architectural shoes, and I would hire someone to give me lessons on how not to fall down while wearing them in public.  http://trendland.net/2011/02/04/benoit-meleard-architectural-shoes/  and  http://www.tmz.com/2010/06/23/lady-gaga-fall-heathrow-airport-boots/

As it turns out, I really enjoy going to live music shows.  It might be fun to try my hand at organizing concerts to promote new artists – or current artists, like, um, Enrique Iglesias.  I could have them perform for smaller groups of fans at my house in Mexico.  People would come, even if only to see whether I can remain standing in my cool architectural shoes or if I would fall into my awesome infinity pool.  It would be like fashion NASCAR set to music.   Or I could just hire Enrique Iglesias to perform for me and only me, because really, that’s the whole point of this particular idea.  I don’t think I’d wear the shoes for that, though.  Seems like more of a barefoot kind of thing.

So that I am prepared for my barefoot private house-slash-pool concert with Enrique Iglesias, I would get a pedicure every day.  And visit the aesthetician often, because if the concert will be at my house in Mexico beside my infinity pool, I will need to wear a swim suit, so I'll need to be prepared for that.  I'll need to get a fancy swim suit as well.  http://www.agentprovocateur.com/swimwear/view-all.html  And a kicky little sun hat and a pareo.  Have to protect my skin from those harsh UV rays! 

I would take tennis lessons.  Again.  This time, though, I would hire someone to give Byron tennis lessons, too, and pay that person to only teach him bad habits.  Eventually, this plan would result in my winning a game.  Mwah ha ha!

I would buy sturdy homes on flat surfaces for all of the people in Guatemala who live on the edge of mudslide-prone hills.  http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/06/a_rough_week_for_guatemala.html

I would take naps.

And then, once all of that is done, I might pop over to London to have a peek at Vivienne Westwood’s latest collection.  But I definitely won’t be wearing Galliano.